Daily Diatribe

Up until now, all attention has been focused on the dangers and discomfort associated with water shortages. This, however, ignores the clear and present dangers present in environments rich in this resource.

An article published in a British medical journal has found three people have died from flesh-eating bacteria after swimming in rivers in the Boorroola region, south-east of Darwin.

WC Fields didn’t go far enough- not only do fish fuck in it, it harbours all manner of hazardous organisms; the vector involved in these incidents has been identified, and is very common throughout the wet tropics, but unknown in arid areas.

Based on this data, the DD advises readers to not only exclusively drink beverages sterilised by a presence of alcohol, but to bathe in same and even use to flush the dunny.

And this has nothing to do with our shareholdings in Lion Nathan, Anheuser Busch, Hiram Walker and Southcorp. We must lobby the Commonwealth to scrap excise, in the interests of public health.

The Tenancy Tribunal in NSW has ruled to ban residents of a Millers Point highrise unit block from lighting up a gasper on their own premises.

Residents of the Highgate apartments in Millers Point won their attempt in the Consumer, Trader and Tenancy Tribunal to stop the tenants, Chris May and Linda Crossan, smoking at home. The order also applied to their landlord.

How dare they consume a legal product on property on which they hold a lease, and thus the right to enjoy the amenities of same. The Bastards!

In November a strata schemes adjudicator, Graeme Durie, upheld an argument that smoking by Mr May and Ms Crossan was breaking the strata building’s by-laws by causing a nuisance to the occupiers of other apartments.

Well that’s different- fancy donning human fly outfits so they could clamber around the outside of the building, blowing the fetid exhaust of a Monte Christo Corona into airconditioning inlets and stubbing out the butts into balcony-beautifying fuchias. Hanging’s too good for them!

The decision has inspired one anti-smoking group to urge its members to seek similar findings.

Well, health nazis need more power, especially to interfere in everyone elses lives- it’s for their own good, the ungrateful sods.

he ruling marked a new trend in imposing rules on private space, said Peter Berry, the acting deputy commissioner at the Office of Fair Trading. However, no review of strata laws was planned as a result of the finding, Mr Berry said.

The decision has disturbed the NSW Council for Civil Liberties. Its vice-president, David Bernie, said: “I really find that a rather odd decision, and we would be opposed to any concept unless the behaviour inside the apartment is affecting people, even if it’s self-harm, such as smoking.”

Ummm….yeah. The NSWCCL is agin’ it, but they’re for it because it only affects those carcinogen consuming cretins who cause all the bushfires everywhere as well. Should be charged with arson by proxy.

I’m confused- if this takes off, how far behind will be a Fart Squad?

After bringing on record cold spells in the US and Canada, end even causing several ice rinks to fall on the national capital of Canberra, the ubiquitous Gore Effect has spread even to the sub-tropical Queensland capital of Brisbane, depositing what appears to be scattered snowfalls:-

This during the last week of summer, a month historically the hottest of the year.

Maybe if the worlds governments can keep Climate Boy on the move around the planet, global warming can be defeated!

Move along there, Mister Freon!

 An Inala gangsta wannabe is under investigation for the mutilation of an 8 week old American Staffordshire Bull Terrier pup, cutting the dogs ears off with scissors without any anaesthetic or follow-up treatment.

There was of course a valid reason for this improvement:-

The ears had been cut off to make the puppy “look tough”, a practice that is carried out in illegal dog fighting circles, RSPCA inspector Daniel Young said today.

Of course this has nothing to do with the area having a large Indochinese population, many with connections to the delightful 5T social club. 

Rather than a prosecution which will result in a puny penalty, no doubt reduced because of cultural considerations, I propose an education session for this scissory scallywag, moderated by a chap who knows and appreciates both dogs and freelance ear improvement.

In other animal appreciation news, a group of lively SW Sydney youths have bashed a 36 year old woman who dared to intervene in their playful antics with a defenceless kitten.

Despite the location, whether or not the scamps in question were in fact scamps of no appearance is pure speculation.

 Update:- the relatives of the cat involved in the previous item are believed by authorities to be planning a revenge attack; local community representatives are concerned about there being an escalation as a result. A family member who would only be identified as “Tiddles“ stated that the trio involved in the initial incident would be made to “suffer in their succotash; let’s just say they will all be able to change their names to Claude Balls.”

Police and rangers are monitoring the situation.

It’s most heartening to find that activists for illegal immigrants are being led by one so articulate and erudite:- 

“There is 100 detainees, people are coming and going but at any one time there is about 100 and they’ve got him inside,” Mr Rintoul said.

Was Ian Rintoul a teacher before he flipped out?

 He said to me ‘this isn’t just a Chinese issue, this is a detainment issue, so we’re all here’,” Mr Rintoul said.

As opposed to Rintintin, who hasn’t been all there for some time. Perhaps it’s not a detention issue, but in fact a complaint about the standard of recreation on offer- given that most pending deportees don’t have English as a first language, and the person in question may have been saying “this is a endetainment issue”, and all they want is a set-top box so they can get all three SBS channels.

Meanwhile, the rest of the country has been awash in a wave of indifference to the petulant posturing of the perpetually outraged.

 

 

Former Corinda boy (like Ed Kuepper and Chris Bailey from the Saints, and Lobby Lloyd from the Coloured Balls*) Billy Thorpe has kicked over his mic stand, aged sixty.

We used to see him with his mum in the Valley scoffing yum cha at the King of Kings, and he was always a fit looking bastard. It doesn’t matter much when your number’s up.

Some may find it ironic that an Aztec succumbed to a heart attack.

*The Lobbster unplugged his Strat last year I believe. 

UPDATE:- I was a bit presumptious about the demise of Lobby, he’s still here in corporeal form. I don’t know about his coloured balls though.

 

I wonder if it was a low-wattage fluorescent or a conventional filament that appeared over the empty head of new environment minister Malcolm Turnbull when he came up with the brilliant idea to ban light bulbs within three years.

Replacing all your incandescent bulbs with lairy (and hopelessly dull, like much of the government) fluorescent bulbs probably isn’t a big ask for a north shore merchant banker, or even a frugal Green senator from Tasmania, but to people on ordinary incomes it’s an expensive exercise, to be more expensive when their eyes fuck up from trying to read with the crappy light provided by “efficient” bulbs; I replaced my main reading light with one of these expensive horrors when the last bulb burnt out (my logisitics and supply person has occasional bursts of conservo-mania) and lived with it for a week before going to Super Cheap and buying a whole tray of Tungsrams - after this idiot announcement, I’ll have to stock up with enough to last out this wave of luddite hysteria.

Turnbull wants to lead by example, despite being a bit late to run this campaign of market interference, stating  ”If the rest of the world supports us, does what we’ve been doing here, follows our lead, this will reduce an amount of energy, in effect make the world more energy efficient to the tune of five times as much energy as Australia consumes, so this is a little thing but it’s a massive change…..”

This assumes that the rest of the world has enough spare disposable income after basic food and fuel to pander to the worrywart sensibilities of effete western wankers with a Chicken Little fetish, and will willingly abandon a cheap, reliable and effective source of lighting for an expensive alternative, which provides about as much light as an irritable angler fish.  

I was wondering how long it would be before this con job went from hosing dim volunteers to costing all of us, and I didn’t think it would be long.

Does this also mean we’re going to phase out Peter Garrett’s head?

Update: A Federal warrant is being drafted by the Attorney General for the arrest and indefinate detention of this ecovandal recidivist, in a pre-emptive move reminiscent of recent arrests of alleged “terrorists“.

I await the noisy campaign to free him from the Free ‘Mo Daewoo (The Digger Dervish) push.

If you’re in the market for a widescreen teev and can’t make up your mind, how about getting drenched in elephant jizz as a clincher?

As usual, posting has been thinner than Kevin Rudd’s electoral chances, but at least I’ve got an excuse- I’ve managed to score a prolapsed disc in my middle back, and it’s about as painful as sitting through An Inconvenient Truth wedged between Tim Flannery and Bob Brown, with Michael Moore sitting behind with a bottomless supply of popcorn. And no beer.

Which is life as I know it at the moment- under orders from some sadistic sawbones to not touch any booze, unable to sit for more than five minutes at a time and the twice daily torture of peak hour made all the more jolly by muscle spasms, without the reward of several frosty ales at the end of it. I did ignore the leech-aplying quack on Saturday and inhaled a case of Portugese pilsener, passed out like a summertime parade and woke up fourteen hours later; one bonus was the fact that my head was much more swollen and agonised than my pathetic lumbar vertebrae.

Thanks to those who’ve emailed and suggested I pen more purple prose- I’d love to, especially if some media baron was to sling me a decent wedge to do so- I’d give away dealing with idiot bureaucrats and retarded clients at the drop of a hat.

In the meantime, entertain yourselves with a rigourous road test of the Toyota Prius- it’s bloody tempting to get one myself, as long as I can subject it to the same procedure.

 

Allegations of necrophillia have surfaced at the University of Sydney Medical School, causing consternation among potential donors and their families. NSW Health Minister John Hatzistergos issued the following statement in relation to the matter:-

  ”Yaaarrrgghhh!!! Brains!!!!!”

The minister has shown a great interest in this matter, as he has in the heads of the assembled journalists at the press conference for some reason.

The perpertrator is believed to be a former employee, pictured here:-

 

Among some of the recreational activities indulged in by staff during tea breaks are ..the fondling of breasts and vaginas and using the head of a torso for “inappropriate and degrading purposes…”

Like what? Using transit lanes to get to work? Replacing defective Laughing Clowns  at Luna Park? Filling in for Davros on the set of Doctor Who while he nips out for a few bevvies and 20 Winfields? Being let out as a model for papier mache protest puppets  or as an aid to the fashion industry? One of the perks of the job I suppose- I can’t think of too many others except for being able to keep a few ales cold*.

 

*BTW- why did the mortuary assistant get fired? He was caught sucking on a couple of cold ones on the job.