Daily Diatribe

It was looking like Antartica-bound featherhead Sen Barnacle Joyce had today’s nomination nailed by trying to swipe our money to bribe his miniscule constituency, and having the front to claim it was “in the national interest”.

Here’s a word, Barns, slinging a homicidal regime a wedge to buy a shitload of produce is a back-hander in the national interest- grafting some slack-jawed yokels and wed-toed hillbillies to put your grandstanding, ignorant and embarassing arse into red leather for another four years is akin to treason.

As it turns out, the Joyster was beaten like a rented mule by the rarely heard from Rev Fred Nile, who is obviously missing the attention of Oxford Street and now wants to be pilloried by stogie-crazed motorists, well known for their contribution to the annual automobile intifada:-

Authorities in Australia’s most populous state, New South Wales, are to consider banning smoking in cars.
A parliamentary inquiry will look at the effects of passive smoking on passengers, particularly children.
Supporters of the proposal have admitted, however, that enforcing such a ban would be difficult.
Smokers in Australia have already been squeezed out of bars and restaurants, as well as some beaches and most other public places.
Now Fred Nile from the Christian Democratic Party has drawn up a private member’s bill that makes cars the next target.

You couldn’t find a bigger twat in a Mexican burro porn studio.

A fifty-odd million dollar (and growing) black hole for starters.

Sure Ian Campbell is the Howard government’s token tree-hugger and hippy ideologue to shut up the moaning from the Doctor’s Wives and assorted other ill-informed moon pies with too much time on their hands, but what blithering idiot let the bastard anywhere near consolidated revenue?

Bloody fucking Mohommad on a unicycle, why not be done with it and give Bob Brown (seen here on the lookout for sailors on shoreleave) an open recycled chequebook and a limitless plantation timber Visa?

Inevitably all this will see the end of a viable multi-million dollar industry, handed over to those who don’t give a fuck about regulations.

Well done, Senator. What’s next? Did you know that coal mining leads to global warming?

Between yourself, the ALP and Sixty Minutes we should be able to extricate ourselves from the globalised evils that inevitably follow from exporting in no time at all.

I was thinking of awarding a Weekly Wanker prize to whoever makes the biggest tit of themselves in the meeja over an issue of import, and this week’s off to a good start- I’d reckon we’ve already got a winner, but the night is young.

So let’s give prominent Melbourne silk, art snob and all-’round git Julian Burnside the temporary title of Monday Mongoloid, for this gem:-

THE prosecution of AWB executives would send a stronger anti-terrorist message than a severe sentence for the man convicted of receiving money from al-Qaeda, a leading human rights lawyer said today.

Melbourne barrister Julian Burnside QC said the $300 million in kickbacks the wheat exporter allegedly paid to Saddam Hussein’s regime in Iraq would have fuelled terrorism in the region……..

“If you want to send a message to people about assisting terrorists then there should be action brought against the executives of AWB, because putting hundreds of millions into Saddam Hussein’s pockets is going to do more for terrorism than anything that Jack Thomas ever dreamt of doing.”

Bloody hell, it’s a daunting entry for sure, and has the lot- moral equivalence, a sideways shot at trade and the Howard government, an utterly illogical leap to make an inane point, and the cruncher- by making the anology, he’s openly admitting that Saddam’s regime was a sponsor of terrorism, and thus the invasion of Iraq fully justified.

It’s going to take some real idiocy to top this fine early entry.

I’m sure someone will manage.

Does anyone else find it amusing that treasurer Peter Costello’s remarks about dual-nationality migrants having their citizenship pulled if they fail to respect Australian values and systems were automatically assumed to refer to the adherents of Allah by their own representatives?

Who’s to say he wasn’t talking about drunken Kiwis who boo when Elton Flattley is lining up a kick, or Pommies who complain about fizzy beer?

Here’s a hint, Keysar and Co- Beirut and the Bekka beyond beckons- take a few mates.

UPDATE PM John Howard has backed Costello’s statements; the usual suspects, and some out of left field are outraged by his comments- my he’s been a busy boy.

It’s now being tipped that he’ll be running against Woody Woodpecker in 2007- a lopsided contest that would make the Latham landslide look like a close run thing in comparison.

I’ll be enjoying the dubious delights of Canberra and Sydney (but mainly driving up the East Coast through rain squalls) this weekend, so posting will be patchier than Patch Adams’ patchwork pantaloons.

UPDATE 2:- Tireless detective work by troll hunter Raff has yielded fruit- the origins of the pagan obsession of the Wynnum West Wiccan.

UPDATE 3:- Back from the twin evils of a burgeoning beauraucratic blight and the carcass of Carr corruption, cronyism and cretinous carelessness, free of requests to add to the depleted coffers of these two failing states (pending mail arrivals- I don’t know if I spotted all the fixed cameras).

About 11.5 hours actual travelling time- not bad, but nothing like what you could do when NSW had open speed limits, and a resonably alert and agile chap could sit on 160kph+ for large chunks of the trip, more on a good motorcycle.

For once I didn’t spot a single plod on the road- I daresay the fixed cameras save having to employ ticket-writers, and they can be re-assigned to ignoring crimes committed by people of Middle-Eastern appearance and losing their weapons to deranged persons of South-East Asian appearance.

Do you live in a tiny shoebox of an apartment, without room to swing a cat, but would like to give it a whirl anyway?

Then whirl away- with the rediscovery of the ancient art of kitten modification, you can have a moggie that’s compact enough to wizz around the most meagre accomodation:-

If you thought all you had to worry about was the CIA using mind-rays to influence your valuable thoughts, have you ever considered the real possibility of targetted alien abduction?

Now you not only need an AFDB, you need to cram than titfer into the confined space of a WW2 leather flying helmet, crammed with the requisite components to keep yourself clear of unwanted anal probes.

Just read some endorsements from some of our clients:-

Leading economist and recent 4 Corners gadabout John Quiggin:-

I can assure readers that my views on privatisation were in no way influenced by alien probes. In fact I am convinced my anti-alien headgear has made me ever more in contact with the real world. Shit it’s hard to get a cab on Pluto- must be due to global warming.

Successful author and leading luminary Bob Ellis:-

If not for the salubrious effects of this chapeau, I’d be in the thrall of News Ltd or that ugly dead bastard Packer, living on the north Shore and driving a Porsche rather than living in a skip at Byron and being chased out of the Newsagent when I try to put on my Tatts because I look like a fat mental patient who’s just escaped. Thanks for restoring my cred!

Former US President Jimmy Carter:-

Fucking rabbits! They’re on the wire! They’re everywhere! Fucking Rosalyn is one as well- where’s my Remington?

(Hat is not guaranteed to work).

Leading former Fairfax scribe Antony Loewenstein:-

I knew it was the kikes all along- thanks for the revelation! I’d better go gas myself now.

Other leading Fairfax scribe Margo Kingston:-

If only I’d heard about the hat a few weeks ago- have you got a few bob?

Sheikh Taj el Bin al Hilal, famous moon pie:-

Sure it’s a pain in the arse winding this protection into my turban, but without it Jewish aliens would now be in control of my flock of car thieves, gang rapists and drug dealers. Thanks to Allah for my hat protection!

Ted Snot, tailgunner on Avro Lancaster S for Sierra:-

Fuck me, this ‘elmet’s nice and warm; Jeesus shit, there’s a fucking ‘110 on our arse an’ we’ve been coned- maybe the protective qualities of this ‘ere cap will save me from 20mm cannon rounds…………………………..

Well load up on Sealord products- now with extra high-protein additives!

It also has the benefit of giving hippies the shits, and torpedoing one of Greenpeace’s asinine campaigns (only figuratively, unfortunately).

Remember- You’d be out of your gourd to boycott Sealord, it’s yummy, not stinky, and made out of Minke!

Here’s a bit of gratuitous advice from Uncle Habib, kiddies- try to avoid climbing six-foot timber fences in the dark while wearing thongs and while substantially refreshed. Gravity 1, Fat Pisshead 0.

UPDATE:- Mr Bastard has a more poetic piece of prose pertaining to the perils of postprandial paling prostration.

I’m betting they’ll laugh like drains when they realise it was a gag t-shirt after they’ve roughly sawn off your head and posted the video on the web and Al Jazeera.

Abdul:- “Is my face red, if you could see it behind this identity-concealing agil; it was a laughy comedy t-shirt, not a garment mocking the prophet, peace be upon him”.

Abdullah:- “Worry not, my brother in jihad against the Crusader infidel, the wearer was no doubt a kaffir who held impure thoughts- why else would he voluntarily remove the Allah-given hair from his face?”

Good thing too; nothing like a VP skilled in the dispatch of yahoos.

I’m betting his rating’s gone through the roof for shooting a lawyer.

BTW, ABC et al- while using buckshot to croak quail may be a bit of a giggle (like using a 155mm howitzer round on individual hippies), I think you’ll find the round in question would have been number 2 birdshot- a bit like having coarse-ground pepper fired at you through a fan.

Speaking of Senator Ted, it looks like he’s gotten over his previous aversion to water.

Well done, Attack Hampster and WA Wideload*.

What’s next? You should be able to fuck up the coal industry- surely there’s some rumours about “gifts” to senior Chinese commies you can come up with, and hand that trade to the Argies.

*And what’s the implication of the sandwich with Woody Woodpecker?