Daily Diatribe

Wacky illustrator, respected investigative reporter and scrupulously fair public commentator Bill Leak has uncovered the “smoking gun” in the culpability of not only MacChimpybush Halliburt-Hitler, but our very own John HoWARd for the democratic election of nutjob Jew haters HAMAS in Palestine:-

Yet another of their diabolical plots to destabilise the Middle East, leaving the region open for invasion on some flimsy pretext so as to steal their oil, uncover their women and raze mosques and replace them with MacDonalds burger stands.

Except they haven’t got oil, they’ve already got Maccas and their females aren’t all clad in beekeeper outfits (but soon will be thanks to the introduction of Sha’ria by the enlightened dingbats of HAMAS).

There’s just no way that HAMAS was voted in because the majority of Palistinian Arabs share their atavistic views on Israel, the West and its decadence and are in fact crazier than bedbugs- bloodthirsty turds who need a good nuking. Kind of disproves the myth of moderate Palestinians (and Islamic Arabs for that matter).

They say you get the government you deserve- I reckon the Palestinians deserve HAMAS, and the resulting shitstorm that is now inevitable.

Now that HAMAS is a legitimate government rather than a shadowy pack of bushwackers and homicidal fruitcups, they can be made answerable for their actions- a homicide bombing or rocket attack on Israel becomes an act of war rather than a terrorist outrage, and can be answered by a declaration of war and the conversion of the West Bank into the world’s largest carpark for burnt out cars (who’d notice the difference?)

Seriously though, is there a more idiotic cartoonist in a major daily than Leaky Bill? (Discount Leunig, because he’s only published in a glorified student paper, and is clearly out of his tiny mind).

Econazis in Europe have come up with an inventive way of protesting the proliferation of 4WD vehicles- let their tyres down!

How inventive- they must have gotten the idea from someone truly resourceful, like someone’s 12 year old brother who’s just embarked on a career in vandalism and public nuisance.

Like every other dickheaded idea that comes out of the hippy-infested wasteland that is Western Europe, it’s bound to catch on here; I for one propose that we resource hoovers reply in kind- if some dip with dreadlocks lets the air out of your tyres, let the air out of their head.

I hope you all got nice and toasted celebrating 218 years of oppression, dislocation and dispossession of the original inhabitants of this increasingly sunburnt land, and more recently 10 years of the racist rabble rousing regime of John “Eva Braun”* Howard and his nasty neo-con refugee baby drowners- I know I did (last night at any rate).

Of course reactionry rednecks are outraged by the valid pyro protest performed by indignant indiginies, and how dare these silly old bastards criticise people who have been patronised and deprived of their rightful resources by disinterested white bureaucrats- after all, they haven’t had to live in sub-standard housing which they themselves have reduced to hovel status while continually receiving welfare while never actually bothering to even seek gainful employment, all they’ve done is murder a few Asians who were trying to liberate their own hemisphere from the yoke of European colonial rule.

The whole name “Australia” day is a joke itself- seeing as we are nothing more than the lick-spittle grovelling servants of hegemonic US world domination- why not be truthful for once and rename it “Subservience Day”, and allow occupying American killbots free access to our homes, refrigerators and sexual partners.

But enough of my waffle- let’s see what some more enlightened Australians have to say on this regretful day:-

FORSTER-Tuncurry is a fast-growing seaside town on the mid-north coast of NSW. Our local picture theatre, which at present is showing films such as The Chronicles of Narnia, Harry Potter, Mrs Henderson Presents , will not be showing Brokeback Mountain. I am very disappointed that we will have to travel to Newcastle or Sydney to see it. It certainly tells me a lot about this region.

Lesley Archer

Green Point, NSW

JULIAN McGauran was spot-on when he stated there was no significant difference between the Liberals and Nationals on policy matters (”Nationals vent fury at defection”, 24/1). Both support the fire sale of Telstra, which will compromise communication services in the bush, and the dubious and flawed so-called free trade agreement with the US. Now we have the sideshow of Barnaby Joyce pontificating about crossing the floor but allowing the Howard Government to slash funding for student services and proceed with the Telstra sale. McGauran has abandoned his party, his principles and his country constituents to boost his political fortune and curry favour with city-centric Liberals. Country people, abandoned by the Nationals, ignored by the Liberals and overlooked by Labor, would do well to consider voting Green at the next election.

Peter Campbell

Surrey Hills, Vic

AT least the PM is keeping his promise to the Tasmanian chainsaws with his latest appointment to Forestry. Eric Abetz is to forests what the Taliban were to heritage monuments.

Robert Barnes

Wedderburn, NSW

I AM fortunate to live in an old house with thick stone walls. If I keep the windows and doors shut and draw the blinds during a heatwave, it remains at least 20 degrees cooler for days. Meanwhile, modern houses continue to be designed to require air conditioning, in spite of climate change and increasing energy costs. The more people depend on electricity for cooling purposes, the more greenhouse gases are produced and the more extreme our heatwaves will become. People grizzle about power blackouts and unbearable temperatures while the housing trade continues to build homes completely unsuited to our climate. Bring back verandahs, thick walls and high ceilings. Global warming is not going away and each of us is duty bound to do what we can to salvage some quality of life for future generations.

Heather Lauterbach

Victor Harbor, SA

A VISITOR to The Philippines noted that Manila’s petrol prices are about a third below Australia’s. Is it time to boycott local oil companies? Walking would be one option but judging by the numbers of shopping trolleys abandoned centimetres away from trolley bays, it is obvious few of us would be willing to walk 100m let alone a kilometre to public transport. Remember, the federal Treasurer would be grinding his teeth if millions were lost in petrol taxes. One option, in the Philippine vein, would be the introduction of rego-free rickshaws. They would help improve the health of the nation, delay global warming and do away with the need for ever-bigger, ever-longer eco-hostile motorways.

Henk Verhoeven

Beacon Hill, NSW

We progresives certainly have our work cut out, what with forcing cinema owners to ignore commercial reality and pander to our self-indulgent delusions of taste, convert the unemployed to coolies, force the construction of hugely expensive building styles which are totally unsuited to over half the continent and render viable industries utilising a renewable resource with a limited lifespan defunct- there’s just not enough hours in a vernal equinox.

Speaking of which, Adrian the Cabbie has supplied a link to a much more valid and relevant celebration, which deserves promotion- just look at the diversity of participants.

*A fitting epithet I feel, as he allows a latter-day Hitler to shit on him daily.

Life support system for foam-filled funbags Pamela Anderson has joined the vacuous litany of Hollywood boohoos carrying on like porkchops over alleged mistreatment of delicious critters.

Here we have a press release from someone who has no concept of natural growth, signing up with a crew who would normally regard her as a surgically modified mutant:-

Pammy has followed the usual PETA path of getting attention and raising awareness of the issue- Look at me! I’m a deeply concerned and caring celebrity! Oh, and there’s something nasty happening to some cute animal of some kind. My publicist has a statement on the issue.

Here’s Pammy not showing her tits, and giving all you Pammy fans a roasting for scarfing on the best hangover cure in the world- like they’re going to take any notice of her just because she’s wearing a shirt for once.

The Pamster also wants the Kentucky capital of Frankfort (isn’t that a sausage?)to ditch its bust of the Colonel- state legislators replied “we’ll get rid of our bust when y’all get rid of yours, you goddamn airheaded yankee bimbo.”

All this talk of greasy, sugary chicken is making me peckish- better get a bucket.

It does make some sense having Anderson come to the defence of chickens- after all, you should respect and try to protect your intellectual superiors.

This took about 45 minutes from the verdict of the Indonesian Appeals Court to hit my email. Some people have far too much time on their hands.

The kicker was the arrest and charging of Schapelle’s half brother for a violent home invasion, and investigations by both Queensland and Federal police of his involvement in the export of cannabis.

This crappy site gave you the full bottle on this (within reason, no sources could be identified, but they knew what they were talking about), and we were pilloried and slagged off for wanting to put someone in the pokey for being a bogan.

Never the case- we knew what we were talking about, and clearly stated same.

If the Corby clan had not turned the whole thing into a media circus, slagged off the Indonesian judiciary and signed lucrative deals with imbecelic Australian womens magazines, a deal could probably have been done behind closed doors.

As it stands, I would say Slappelle’s going to see the departure lounge of Denpasar in about eight years at the best- hope the media coverage and the deals were worth it.

UPDATE The family matriarch just can’t help endearing her brood to the Indonesians- here’s some advice Rosie Rose or Pansy Petunia or whatever fucking flowers you’ve adopted as a moniker, and it’s free, unlike the moronic tips you’ve taken from oilslicks, grubs and chancers like Ron “So Greasy My Eyes Keep Slippin’ Orf ‘Im” Bakir- shut the fuck up.

Or in a more genteel style, “when one finds oneself in a hole, one is best advised to stop digging.”

It is incredibly difficult to feel sympathy for people so unashamedly idiotic.

Just sent to me- a couple of screen captures of the on-line version of the illustrious Sydney Morning Herald, on an item on the unfortunate mauling of a Queensland student by allegedly a pack of bull sharks at Amity Point*:-

The first ad placement was bad enough, but the refresher was even worse:-

I know most subbies are drunks, and the sort of feral reptiles that type-set the on-line version are even worse, but bloody hell- that’s the sort of juxtaposition a complete bastard like me would do for cheap laughs; this is supposed to be a quality national broadsheet.

Then again, they did publish the Margoyle for four years, and continue to publish Alan Ramsay.

What’s the betting on this appearing on the opening episode of Mediawatch?

*And no, at least they didn’t make some lame Spielberg/Jaws link, but a lot of the local half-wit media did.

As a general rule, I regard mimes, jugglers and dickheads doing crappy covers of Bob Dylan and Ralph McTell as highly as I regard earwax- an annoying, ugly and revolting excretion which needs to be swabbed up and pitched into the dunny.

In this case, I’ll make an exception- I’d even kick a gold coin into his case:-

(Mind you, I’d swipe it back before the meatwagon turned up- those thieving gypsies would nick it anyway. No wonder Hanna Barbera went tits up- there’s just not enough clumsy rooftop blacksmiths anymore).

You’ve no doubt seen advertisements and read items extolling the good clean fun and environmental credibility to be had from puttering about on a motorcycle, and here’s the best example I’ve thus uncovered.

I’m unsure of the location or type of Honda- going by the performance I’m inclined to think it’s a Fireblade with a turbo kit, but the digital speedo indicates it’s possibly an earlier model.

As to location and traffic direction, I’d say Germany, although the number of caravans, buses and ugly little buzzboxes made me think it was the Gold Coast motorway, or North Coast highway at first.

All rather jolly good fun- I was particularly taken with the monos while lane-splitting between lumbering juggernauts and weaving coaches. Digital cameras have certainly introduced a whole new line in recorded ratbaggery.

UPDATE Just recieved a link from a reader showing a chap having rather a quick tour of downtown Stockholm, in a Kremer Porsche.

I couldn’t think of a better way to admire the sights of the old Viking city, with an esky full of Carlsburg, some porno on the DVD player and some compliant young Nordic nymphs for company; plod in persuit in Volvos would be a perfect end to a perfect evening.

A word of warning- it’s over 100 megs, so if you’re on dial-up get a few bevvies, go to bed and watch in the morning.