Daily Diatribe

Just what the planet needs- this Saturday, ratbags, ferals, foliage fondlers and Gaiean Gits nationwide will add to worldwide pollution by dragging their whiffy, unwashed and diseased carcasses off whatever passes for a sleeping area/wildlife habitat by the infernally early hour of mid-day, thus to expose their pasty, emaciated, malnourished and odiforous selves to the rigors of Sol at one PM to Walk Against Warming.

The combination of bath-shy hippy ming, carcinogenic spliff exhausts, emissions fed by mung beans, lentils and yoghurt and the exhaled CO2 produced by their unfit staggering should result in a miasma that would put a Czech brown coal power station to shame- do your bit for the environment by using your unleaded fuel-fired, catalytic converter-choked SUV to drive this visual, aural and olfactorial abomination from the streets you fund through userous taxes, registrations, excises and blueys handed out like confetti by Mr. Plod.

We’re going to need a nationwide fleet, however- they’re coming out of the recycled non-old growth timber woodwork all over.

I was enlightened to this auspicious event by my local (Brisbane) Trotskyite public radio, and nearly ran off the road with mirth at some of the demented utterings by the facially pierced, dreadlocked moon pies occupying the (airconditioned) studio; some gems:-

“Be sure to bring an umbrella- it’s going to be extra hot from global warming. You wouldn’t have needed that or sunscreen at this time of year twenty years ago.” (About this time twenty years ago I was preparing a major piss-up at my parents house in the Western suburbs, with the mercury hitting about 40 degrees C- around 3 PM a storm swept through with hailstones like cricket balls- I watched transfixed as the floats in the pool were shredded then sank, like a flotilla of disgruntled Cuban li-los fleeing repression, only to be strafed by MIGs with ice-loaded 20MM cannons).

“And it is just as likely to hail, bringing it back to winter.” (HUH?!? Wha’fuck..???)

“And everyone’s got airconditioning now, which makes it worse- it’s like being in a room with twenty smokers.” (Ditto, and I’d say the oracle responsible for that one had recently been indeed in a room with twenty smokers, each with the rate of consumption of Peter Tosh).

I wouldn’t mind venturing out to giggle at the infantile and inane antics of the progressive participants in this parade of purulent pillocks, but I fear the combination of unblocked solar flares, hurricane-driven debris, rising floodwaters choked with choleric corpses and glacial incursions could make it a bit unpleasant out; I might sit in the air-conditioning and watch cricket.

In a follow-up to last week’s spray about domestic violence and the likelihood of ribbon application in the reduction of same, here’s the reasonable reaction to a phallocentric misogynist potential rapist’s suggestion that “washing up is women’s work, dear……………..”

The white ribbon doubles as a tourniquet.

The moonpies and dingbats over at Outer Margolia and other precincts inhabited by same have been fooled by one of the most insidious and pervasive plots ever to be hatched by the evil VRWC- here they were thinking that their brains were protected from invasive mind-control rays broadcast by black, unmarked CIA satellites under the command of Karl Rove; the truth is that their AFDB counter-measures are acting to amplify the signals from these sources, at the very frequency range reserved for shadowy government use.

What they honestly believed to be their own views on controversial subjects were in fact ideas so daffy and demented that they would cause the mainstream population to view the holders of such views with a mix of revulsion and contempt, thus further alienating the left from the masses; a dastardly plan, with a few really fruity ideologies thrown in for laughs.

Those evil bastards! We must storm Pine Gap and prevent further deranged outpourings from the likes of Phatty Phil, Batty Bob Manne, the Byron Baglady, Boozy Bob the Bolshie Behemoth and Neville Dick, otherwise what shred of credibility held by the perpetually outraged and the caring and sharing will be forever lost- what a bleak, cold, indifferent, ugly and profit-driven world it will be.

BWAHAHAHA!

If the prospect of global warming has your brow furrowed and your mood darkened, fret no more; the ABC’s premier science program Catalyst has revealed that we’re going to run out of petrol in five years time.

Hurrah! I’m looking forward to one of those Freddy Flintstone cars myself.

I’ve avoided commenting about the ruckus being raised by the usual suspects over the upcoming very short bungee-jump in Singapore of Van Tuong Nguyen, as I’ve made my position on such matters clear in the past and don’t need lectures from right-to-lifers about the sanctity of all humanity (utter bollocks, there are a large number of complete arseholes whose entire realtionship with the rest of humanity would be improved immesurably by their instant demise).

The sheer hypocrisy of assorted dingbats is starting to make my stomach turn, with wealthy Sydney and Melbourne lawyers and broadcasters recommending trade sanctions against one of our major trading partners (at no cost to themselves) to protest the carrying out of their laws on their own soverign territory; what has really made me want to fill a bucket though is the feather-duster treatment given to the miscreant at the centre of this tawdry affair; the media’s lame representation of Van as a caring, family-committed young chap, who had the best part of half a kilo of top grade scag taped to his body only in order to cover his twin brother’s tab at the TAB- how dare those evil Singaporians turn such a top fellow into a wind-chime?

This sort of fluff is so naive that only blinkered Australian journalists could swallow it- certainly the Australian public hasn’t (or is it their base racism? After all, the convicted smuggler is only a Victor Charlie, they’re all at it you know*). There are many Vietnamese Australians who are excellent, law-abiding citizens; I had a charming Buddhist Abbess in my office yesterday, helping her clear some statues for a temple in Brisbane’s west; her helpers were likewise affable, hard-working and polite.

People such as this don’t have the connections to firstly score 98% china white H, secondly to know how to cut it for the local market and distribute same; my betting is young Van is either a member or connected to the infamous 5T gang, one of the most bloodthirsty and vicious packs of arseholes to ever blight polite society.

This boy is no regular bloke caught out in a terrible error- more likely is he is a nasty, wanna-be gangster who’s copped the return for his choices. Fuck him.

Meanwhile, photoshopper extrordinaire Bushy has come up with a possible appeal ground for Van, based on the success of the Michelle Leslie# ploy:-

*The Vietnamese did us a bit of a favour when they first went into the smack trade- they hadn’t figured on the accepted business practice of cutting the opiate with talcum, bicarb, strychnine and assorted other adulterants, and launched it on the market in landed purity. Consequently a sizeable number of junkies were unable to liberate video recorders and other household goods due to them shooting up the usual dosage from the low-grade shit they used to score from the Turk, Lebanese, Romanian and local bogan dealers and subsequenly karking it.

A terrible loss to us all.

UPDATE The ABC is now trying to beat up another row about Australia using its perogative to deport non-citizens who are complete arseholes.

What’s the problem? Both the individuals in question have chosen to be parasites and douchebags, and are of no benefit to this country whatsoever; if we can legally turf them out and return them to their origin, why shouldn’t we? We should we continue to support people who have chosen to be vermin?

As far as I’m concrned, citizenship is a privilege, not a right, and by taking citizenship, you take on associated responsibilities- the most important being that to respect the persons and property of your fellow citizens. If you choose to not do so, you don’t belong to remain in a civilised society.

There’s plenty of worthwhile potential citizens who would leap at the chance to live in a free, peaceful, secure and prosperous society, and contribute to same; if you shit in the nest, you should be kicked out of same.

We owe these turds nothing but our disdain.

(As usual, the jellybacks in Canberra have responded to criticism on the ABC by giving one of these fucks a bridging visa; I’ve seen more functional spines in coelenterates).

#A report just came through that Ms. Leslie (or Fatima Abdullah el Bin Laden as she know chooses to be known as) turned up an hour late for her first press conference. One of my office urchins unkindly suggested she was probably out trying to score.

The Howard Government is an evil, economic rationalist, free enterprise driven regime fixated on an ideology of minimising government and allowing markets to decide economic reality.

And I’m Archbishop Tutu’s love child.

What normally happens when a business, enterprise or industry becomes unsustainable is it goes broke, is run through bankruptcy procedures, assets are liquidised, creditors paid where possible and the participants look for another job or more viable business.

If, however, you are in any form of primary production (or a relative of a cabinet member), you are not subject to such privation- you get “restructured”- in other words, money swiped from people who have a viable form of income is given to you to bugger off from a sector that’s had the dick.

In this case, the fishing industry is being bailed out to the tune of 200 million ackers; the fact that the fishing industry has been fucked up by assorted state and federal governments over-regulating on one hand and flogging licences off with gay abandon doesn’t enter into the equation.

Wild-caught fishing would have petered out like whaling through market pressure without any interference from government, especially if every level of government stopped interfering with fish farming; instead, we get to pay (again) for their intrusive fuck-ups.

Have a read of the pathetic attempts to justify this idiocy.

Art least those paid out will have capital and the infrastructure to go into a more lucrative aquatic past-time.

The Liberal party is getting wetter than the fish uncaught by this folly by the minute; when are we going to get a real conservative party in this country?

UPDATE Just when you think allegedly conservative politicians in this over-goverened enclave can’t get more idiotic, the Queensland National Party has gone completely feral and are now supporting their fellow free-enterprise fans at the ACTU, the Greens, the Democrats, the ALP and the Australian Council of Churches in opposing Industrial Relations reform.

Little wonder they can barely raise the numbers to qualify as a party in opposition, even against the criminally malfeasant and incompetent pond scum that passes for Premier Peter Beattie and his incumbent time-servers.

When, o Lord, when, will we be able to be represented by politicians who actually represent us, and not whatever small, noisome and self-interested cabal is yammering through their shell-like ears into what passes for a brain stem?

I was made aware by the valuable national asset that is ABC radio* that this Friday is International White Ribbon Day, another UN-sponsored event which costs a lot and achieves little.

Their motto for this year is:-

Violence against women. Do nothing and you may as well lend a hand.
A white ribbon is not a badge of purity or perfection. It simply says you believe that violence against women is unacceptable. Wear a white ribbon on November 25………..#

I’m certain a sea of white ribbons on effete inner-urban luvvies will inspire bogans across the nation to not give the old bat one on the snout when she starts moaning about how much time they spend at the pub- reason finally prevails!

Meanwhile, female-to-male violence, while not common, goes ignored (have you seen some of those female bevans? Fuck me, they’d be able to body-slam King Kong Bundy). The adopted motto for this year’s yabberfest is a classic example of feminist dogma as well- like being potential rapists, all males are potential wife/partner abusers; what a load of bollocks (or lack thereof).

To show the solidarity of this site with this fine exercise, here’s a jolly jape which confirms that all males are uncontrollable beasts, saytrs unable to resist their base urges:-

A cruise in the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and therewere only 3 survivors; Damian, Darren and Deirdre……….

They manage to swim to a small island…….

they lived there for a couple of years…..
doing what’s natural for men and women to do…..

After several years of casual sex, all the time, Deirdre felt absolutely horrible about what she had been doing……………….

She felt having sex with both Damian and Darren was so bad that she killed herself……………

It was very tragic but Damian and Darren managed to get through it and, after a while nature once more took its inevitable course…………..

Well, a couple more years went by and Damian and Darren began to feel a absolutely horrible about what they where doing…………………

So……………

They buried her.

Make sure that you wear the white ribbon**, you beasts, and don’t wrap it around the little woman’s neck when she gives you an earful about what an impotent loser you are.

*They had two “ambassadors” on- one a bung-eyed marxist and former ABC radio yammer-artist, the other a gameshow host. As credible as billy-o.

**You may also like to peruse this valuable guide on how to relate to wimmin in a non-gender specific way, and avoid raising their ire. On no account use the term “tits”.

(Note that this site does not condone violence against women, or anyone else. Unless they deserve it- then give the bastard one for me. Kerry Nettle for starters- she really needs a slap, as does Bob Brown. Let’s face it, anyone even remotely associated with the Greens, like these retards, needs physical chastisement. And any silly bint in a Hyundai Exel who’s been dumb enough to swallow all that “girl power” bullshit, and thinks she can behave in traffic like a tattoo’d bogan in a VK Commodore who’s on day release from Silverwater on a GBH blue).

On a related matter, it’s good to see that the NSW Supreme Court recognises that women, especially those from minority ethnic groups, are not as responsible for their actions as Anglo-Celtic males, and should be dealt with on the basis of their obvious disadvantage rather than equitably.

(On no account will I make a lame homophobic gag about the possibility of Justice Rothman being a bit of a fag. It would be wrong).

#I also note after reading all the blather on the website in question, it seems it’s only middle-class white males who give the old battleaxe a bit of a touch-up; the endemic domestic abuse in Aboriginal, white trash and Islamic households doesn’t rate a mention, let alone any attention.

….while personally consuming more resources in a week than the average rainforest community uses in a year swanning about on tour, and producing lame, whiny recordings banging on about the parlous state of Gaiea knocked out on products of the evil petrochemical industry.

This poll shouldn’t be on which dickhead has the most green credibility, but more relevant would be who is the most hypocritical; my personal choice would be dreadlocked deadshit John Butler- I seem to have to listen to more of his strident carping than any of the others, and while he’s an adequate dobro player he is also an onanistic organic oaf of the first order, and should have his whiffy pigtails wrapped around the rear sprocket of his rusty bicycle, which is then mounted by Lance Armstrong and taken for a quick spin around Mount Warning.

The rest of them are farcical- the Twat in the Hat is highly influential among amphetemine-addled dance dingbats, as is weedy vegan and plagiarist of starving old Negroes Moby (the Dick).

REM are about as hip as dysplasia, and Jack Johnson gets his lame loungy shite played to death on Saturday morning video shows and commercial FM radio- how avant garde’ and alternative.

My nomination for the most environmentally aware act on Earth at the moment is this crew; after all, they perform mainly in Europe where their massive power consumption is reducing the amount of fissile material left in this volatile area, and their equally large consumption of fossil fuel in flamethrower displays and immolating the odd audience member is equally reducing this dangerous resource’s reserves, and their seeming adoption of enviromental ideologies from the ’30s can only increase natural awareness.

Those nominated are mere dillatantes in comparison.

UPDATE My office assistant has informed me it would be more pertinent to have a poll on which artist is most damaging to the environment, and I concur- suggestions in comments, please. His choice is da Shizzle, due to his huge consumption of plant products- surely unsustainable; the actual line used was Snoop should be high on the list- he hits the trees harder than Sonny Bono, and certainly going by his diction and gait he certainly either torches several kilograms of blunts daily or licks flypaper.

These phyto-flamers must also rank highly; given the logistics involved in perpetual touring by incontinent geritatrics (cardiac units on standby, fleets of stretch electric wheelchairs, the hugely wasteful use of disposable nappies) such as these silly old farts and these slightly more sprightly but considerably more asanine eejits must also put them well up the list.

Consider also the transmission costs, wasted airtime and brain damage caused by every contestant ever on Australian Idol however, and the fact that their product becomes landfill shortly after airhead bogans buy or shoplift same from Target.

There’s an awful lot of candidates.

I know I said I would be back to normal output shortly, but I was lying through my gritted teeth. Everything I’ve had to do for the last three weeks has taken ten times as much time as usual, with associated ‘phone calls, emails and threats of litigation, but to no avail; I suppose it was foolish to expect a $200 million program to actually work, especially when it has been designed and installed by public servants with as much knowledge of commercial reality and writing code as the residents of this enclosure.

There is no truth at all to the dastardly rumours that my absence has been due to helping Old Bill with their enquiries into this matter.

If you’d like to get into the music business, a wise investment would be one of these:-

You be chillin’ wit dat look, dawg. However, don’t be surprised if you are shot at by a passing carload of negroes.

All this violence and ugliness; imagine if you would a world were conflict is solved by an exhibition of skill and superior anticipation of the other:-

It’s be pretty fucking boring, that’s for sure; destruction is fun. One of the few pleasant features of moving house is hurling perfectly functional consumer products into a concrete pit, right in the path of a D9 ‘dozer; it’s quite pleasant hurling a fully working appliance into the path of a piece of heavy equipment- like in the case of Palistinian activist Rachael Corrie, the Caterpillar tends to win. Terracotta pots are particularly satisfying- they go off like a mortar round.

Apologies also to all correspondents over the last couple of weeks- I’m slowly wheedling my way through emails and will reply to, post or link your input shortly. Or not, if I can’t be arsed.

On the pop this weekend big time, and no action here either- no data line yet.

Here’s a handy little test to determine your ability to differentiate between a hirsute homicidal Hittite Hitlerite and a hairy hollywood homo- handy if you’re in a war zone and have to make a snap decision to off the Butcher of Baghdad- after all, what if you’ve stumbled onto a set and mistakenly put several 5.56mm holes through a global treasure like George Clooney?

Yes, I’m fully shifted and been fully shitfaced- time for some serious drinking blogging.