Daily Diatribe

If you’ve been queueing up in the weather with all the other losers to further fill JK Rowling’s purse by buying another of her predictable and derivitive tomes, here’s some adorable owls to save you the trouble:-

Bushy reports from Copenhagen about Prince Olaf or whatever the fuck the dopey Viking’s called bragging about the size of his royal sceptre:-

This won’t win him many fans in his wife’s home country- we don’t like skites.

Anyone in Melbourne who’d like the rare opportunity to actually make an Australian feature film worse should click here to register for three scenes in an upcoming movie starring fat beery idiot Mick Malloy and the usual retinue of worn-out hacks, terminally unfunny fuckwits, assorted has-beens and never-weres. (As usual, another Victo-centric pile of turgid tripe written by the same idea deserts that produce failure after failure, funded by taxpayers who wouldn’t cough their own money to see the product let alone invest in its production).

My idea would be to turn up in a state approaching this:-

but save your regurgitative reflux until you’re in range of the cast and crew- a well-timed projectile chunder should shut down production for a day, and what’s more be the only amusing bit in the whole film.

In case anyone’s been wondering where I’ve been for the last week or so, I have had the marvellous fortune to be moving house during SE Queensland’s delightful hail, tornado and flash flood season; over half-way there, with the prospect of a veritable mountain of non-biodegradable landfill to dump in some reserve with a Vegetation Protection Order creating the only joy in the entire tedious, painful and exhausting process. (It does have the small side benefits of heavy drinking, loud public swearing and intentional terminal damage to hated and ugly geegaws, just like real movers).

To top it off, the main arm of government with which I grapple decided to unleash an untested, unreliable and unworkable computer system on the entire overseas trade industry, with predictable results.

As a consequence, we have reverted to clearance formalities last used in about 1962, with corresponding efficiencies; Sydney and Melbourne ports are due to totally gridlock today, with Brisbane to follow shortly and other ports to grind to a halt by next week. A stunning result- even the Waterside Workers Union and the Painters and Dockers in their heyday were unable to totally shut down every port in the country, have ships sent to other ports (at collossal cost) and cause untold damage to our trading reputation (and revenues that result from same).

Take a bow, Australian Customs Service, who seem to be in denial about the whole thing; the 14 senior staffers responsible for the introduction of this abomination are conveniently retiring in the next couple of months.

The real star of the show (and quite likely to join his advisers in early retirement- this is no DIMIA fuckup by junior staff, this was a ministerial decision with serious economic consequenses) is slack-jawed Customs Minister and all-round dribbling retard Chris Ellison, who recieved this screed from me (and similar from other stakeholders) after a particularly idiotic press release in the FIN, implying everything was just peachy:-

Re your statement in the Fin about the success of CMR- it is an utter disaster, and hasn’t worked since it was switched on as far as I can tell. I am a senior broker and former Customs officer, and fully expected this; fortunately the legacy COMPILE system has been kept going, and we have been able to clear cargo (albeit with a substantial delay, the cost of which we cannot recover).
Customs personnel in Brisbane have been helpful, but overwhelmed; I am reliably informed that over 180 brokers have registered to access COMPILE due to CMR’s failure.
I suggest some research be done with the actual users of the system before glowing press releases are issued.
The information sessions prior to the activation of Import CMR were also woefully inadequate as well- I find myself being asked for information which was never mentioned, and there have been no manuals made available (except for cumbersome and difficult to search CD-ROMS) to research the various quirks of the new system.
CMR should have been fully tested prior to release- it has been entirely unprofessional thus far.
Paul Bickford.
13/10/05

I was going to be on the piss in Adelaide that weekend, but like many others was stuck trying to extract any useful data exchange from this steaming pile of shit.

Ellison deigned to answer finally (in what appears to be a form email), denying he had said there were no problems, but claiming that most major users were having minimal problems:-

Dear Mr Bickford

I write in response to your emailed correspondence regarding the first days of the new Integrated Cargo System.
Please note that at no time have I said that industry is happy with the switch to the new cargo system.I indicated that those businesses responsible for the majority of imports into Australia had reacted positively to the cutover, however I have always acknowledged that a change of this size will always have its challenges.
I am aware that many customs brokers and freight forwarders are experiencing difficulties and delays.I am also aware that these difficulties are resulting in many telephone calls being made to the CMR support line and that this, in turn, is creating delays.As a key stakeholder in this project, your problems are being addressed by Customs as a matter of urgency.
A meeting of key industry stakeholders will be held on Tuesday 18 October in Sydney, at which the current concerns of all stakeholders will be given careful consideration.
I have spoken with the new CBFCA Chairman, Mr Bob Wallace, and will continue to liaise closely with the CBFCA.
After extensive consultation with industry, primarily through a Ministerial Roundtable process, I believe that the new CMR system will bring great benefits to Australia.With the introduction of a system of the magnitude of CMR there will be difficulties, and we are determined to work with those concerned to sort them out.
Yours sincerely
CHRIS ELLISON
Minister for Justice and Customs

This is the complete opposite to what every other user of this system has said to me- it has even managed to turn my own professional organisation feral, with executives of the CBFCA starting to sound more like Doug Cameron of the MWU than representatives of a profession:-

Spin doctoring has now commenced to suggest that the issue is a beat up by the CBFCA and its members Members and industry will adjudge the veracity of such statements. As members will be aware the role of the CBFCA is to represent its members interests and it will continue to do so to the full extent of its ability….

but when arbritrary decisions of pea-brained politicians have an actual damaging effect on business and the economy as a whole in terms of real dollars (rather than hurt feelings), someone deserves a good kicking.

At the moment I’m nominating the minister- I’m not alone either; he even managed to score a nomination for Friday Fuckwit on the most fuckwitty show on the most fuckwitted network in the most wit-fucked national broadcaster:-

Name the schmonster
Postcode grays point
Visit Time 19/10/2005 8:30
Remark *FRIDAY FU*KWIT*
the minister/senator for customs. this genius introduced a nation wide new system for everyone involved in the importation & export facilitation of goods in australia…he forgot to check if it worked or not! even though the industry reps all advised him it wouldnt, and without any form of training for custom brokers freight forwarders and customs officers (the people who have to actual use this crap to clear the cargo) he introduced it anyway, and has being in crisis meetings ever since! as of today all depots and air ports in australia were 80-100% full!! air cargo has already being turned away from melbourne and in 2days time if the problem is not seen to every container ship and aircraft comming into australia will have absolutely no where to unload their cargo! the ports are jammed, cargo cannot be released importers nation wide cant get their goods BRILLIANT WORK YOU FUCKWIT
ps it is currently peak season the time that was promised that this introduction would not occur in a large majority of goods arriving over the next month are christmas stocks. *

Consequently I hardly have time to pull up my pants after visiting the lavvie, let alone produce the usual lame gibberish that befouls this waste of bandwidth, and the situation is unlikely to improve until enraged truckies descend on Canberra and leave Minister Ellison and senior staffers flapping from the parliament flagpole, in what would probably be the stupidest mobile in the history of wind-chimes. Not helped is my limited access to the ‘net outside the office (no landline yet at the new place, but it does have cable- I’m yet to decide on whether to stick with ADSL or go to broadband- it probably also entails getting Foxtel- wonderful for watching Queensland get beaten in every round of the Super 14).

In the meantime, here’s some wacky photos, with accompanying gags:-

Former ALP leader Mark Latham’s earliest known baby photo has been released by his apologetic father:-

(Thanks to the Dog).

Following on from it’s stunning success in bringing cargo movement into the 18th century, the Australian Customs Service has released the latest guide for officers on airport duty to recognize potential terrorist risks. This is the end result of a 30 gazillion dollar research project and intelligence gathering exercise, which mainly involved lying in an inflatable pool, drinking beer and eating cold hot-dogs:-

(Thanks to Blondie).

GMH has announced a cut to the budget of the Holden racing team due to ratshit sales of its poorly made death-traps, and has decided to use a model more in tune with the majority of V8 Supercar fan’s budgets. Sponsorship is being sought, with few takers thus far; the only positive responses have come from Jimmy Barnes‘ marketing agency and Barry’s House of Mullets, a specialty hairdresser based at Mount Druitt in Sydney’s west:-

(Thanks to Rhys).

*I submitted my own suggestion to the capering duo, when one was looking for ideas to liven up his attendance at the ARIA awards:-

Re ideas for the idiot without dreadlocks to liven up the ARIAs, how about a semtex singlet? A well placed suicide bomb would not only free the airwaves of at least one of the two most moronic and unfunny imbeciles ever to infest the ether, it would take out a fair number of talentless drones, cocaine-addled ten percenters and assorted hangers-on oxygen thieves.
A fucking winner all ’round, and for once would make the tiresome, turgid and tawdry event watchable.
Shit, I’d even dial the mobile to initiate the detonators.

Unfortunately he failed to act on this thoughtful suggestion.

UPDATE The you-beaut new system, designed to tighten security and improve detection of prohibited and restricted imports has more holes than the ozone layer.

Firstly, it uses Microsoft’s woeful Internet Explorer as a platform- no other more secure, bug-free and reliable browsers are supported, resulting in lockups, lockouts, a reliance on popups (which means you have to hold the CTRL key down to access any bloody thing if you’ve been smart enough to load a popup killer) and all the user-friendliness of a DIY high colonic; a word of warning if you’re planning on importing something worth less than A$1,000 (including freight)- the new system requires you to clear it yourself through this monster, and to access same you’ll need a digital certificate (same ID requirements as a passport, about A$250 and a 2-3 week wait, while the bond it’s residing in is merrily tallying up the storage charges) which you will have to install on your browser, register with Customs and wait for authority to access- then you can clear the porno/weapon/narcotics/virulent biohazard with a few quick keystrokes, because it’s duty free and exempt GST, and risk is self-assessed. (By post it should come straight through, but who knows?)

This had led to a little concern from AQIS, the agency delegated to quarantine concerns- because it’s self-assessed and not requiring any tariff data, there’s no flags on the system and is entirely reliant on the adequacy of Customs screeners and the goodwill and knowledge of one-off importers; fine by libertarian principles, but completely absurd compared to the ludicrous scutiny given to imports over the thousand buck threshold.

No wonder I bailed from this chicken outfit over ten years ago- why the fuck did I come back to dealing with the buggers?

It was a dark and lonely night….Sebastian and the wondersock went searching for its mate…. the washingmachine was the obvious culprit…. it made strange sounds reminiscent of a car-key scraped along the base-strings of a piano….
We entered …not like the old phone-box, but OK…
We were transported to the planet of the socks…. violins were strangely absent….
Darkness followed…..
Then, the delegation of socks were upon us…. Vita Sockville-West among the first….
She said something we’ll make sense of later , and moved on ……
tbc…

C.

It was a dark and lonely night….Sebastian and the wondersock went searching for its mate…. the washingmachine was the obvious culprit…. it made strange sounds reminiscent of a car-key scraped along the base-strings of a piano….
We entered …not like the old phone-box, but OK…
We were transported to the planet of the socks…. violins were strangely absent….
Darkness followed…..
Then, the delegation of socks were upon us…. Vita Sockville-West among the first….
She said something we’ll make sense of later , and moved on ……
tbc…

C.

Girlie readers are advised that if they are approached by this particular mobile mammogram provider:-

it is not connected to the Health Department’s campaign to check norks for naughty nodules, and should be avoided.

It is in fact a ploy by a desperate pervie to cop a look and possibly a feel, so unless you’re particularly charitable (or desperate), it is inadvisable to pop out the pups.

Male readers are also advised that a similar offer of a private DRE by Greens leader Senator Bob Brown

is to be treated equally with suspicion.

(As expected, the change-over by Customs to their new system has been an unmitigated disaster, with systems crashing, profiles failing and data transmissions locked up; I’m going to need a big drink this evening).

A number of manky old slappers have had their age discrimination complaint upheld after airline Virgin Blue decided not to offer them employment; the complaint alleged that they were not offered jobs because of their advanced years. The trolly-jockeys in question are overjoyed with the decision, and are looking forward to a sling from the defendant.

Besides the fact that an employer should be able to hire and fire whoever they like, based on their own criteria and not some politically correct agenda decided by some dribbling leftist fuckstick with their shiny arse firmly ensconced in a well-paid and public-funded pew, the old bats in question were former Ansett hosties- anyone who ever had the misfortune to travel on that woeful carrier could attest to the pleasant disposition and commitment to service shown by their cabin crew- none whatsoever.

Once the pre-flight spiel was finished, it was down the back to the galley to bitch about how fat Sharon is getting and how they keep getting scheduled to fucking Canberra; dare to ring the buzzer for a bevvie and some hatchet-faced harridan would eventually waddle up, to then snarl “waddya weant?”

Requesting a beer would result in a look like you had poo on your breath, and often a reply “we’re on finals- it’s too late.” while still 20 minutes from the descent point; even if you did get a lukewarm Emu Bitter and bag of stale nuts, a request for a second would earn you a lecture of the evils of airborne drunkeness and buckleys chance of achieving same.

Perhaps these ladies should have been seeking employment more in keeping with their interpersonal skills, like the prison service or a gimp parlour.

Virgin is considering appealing- hopefully a real court won’t make such an idiotic decision as the tribunal responsible for this gobbler.

The ABC is whining again about being underfunded, despite having a budget of over 700 million dollars, numerous on-air “personalities” in receipt of the sort of six-figure incomes one would normally expect at a ratings/revenue driven commercial broadcaster and a litany of dodgy accounting practices, wasteful tendering and logistic planning and investment in unsaleable, poorly scripted and worse acted drama.

Despite all this, the union responsible for the media industry has launched a campaign to Take a Stand for the ABC, expecting punters to demand even more cash from taxpayers, who are currently being bled white through the archaic and userous parity pricing policy for fuel.

More broadly, ABC bias is not fundamentally a question of news and current affairs coverage, but rather a problem of class sociology. ABC executive Sue Howard has referred to this as a vague sort of “middle-classness”. More savage critics call it a hatred of the Australian masses and their conservative values.

If this analysis is correct, the only solution lies in teaching ABC staff greater awareness and greater respect for the values of all Australians, including conservative ones. ABC staff and management must come to realise that values which do not fit within a secular small-l liberal world view are indeed intellectually possible, and are in fact believed in by many of the members of the public whom they are paid to serve.

I wouldn’t call it the only solution, more like the least appealing and doomed to failure; seeing as there doesn’t appear to be any loss of public interest in transferring Telstra from public to private ownership, how can there be any in a privatised ABC (and SBS), who have to meet market demand rather than the narrow agenda of the smug and self-important employees of the network?

Such an idea would be an anathema to luvvies such as “Ants” Loewenstein, who has some grand plans on spending your hard-earned; bugger getting that 42″ plasma or a fully sik sound system for the Skyline when there’s bad art and idiotic performances to fund.

Mind you, Ants should put in for a development grant to work on his wacky scripting- anyone who can pen an opening like David Marr is one of Australia’s finest journalists…. is a rare talent. Comedy gold.

Reader Rex has requested a link to the OH&S training film on forklift safety, which featured decapitations, chainsaws and some sexist ogling causing death and/or injury, so here it is.

As a bonus, here’s a startling revelation of just how cunning and evil senior GW Bush advisor Karl Rove truly is. (Somehow I doubt this was the interpretation intended by the makers of this clip, but fuck them).

Also, here’s an amusing slideshow featuring tortured English translations by those wacky zipperheads- note, this is not in any way racial villification or an insult to attempts by Asians to become more European; after all, they’re not Moslems, so they’re fair game.

If poking fun at other ethnicities isn’t your bag, what can be more sexist then enjoying the spectacle of a no-holds barred scrag fight?

I’m currently busier than a ponytailed cocaine addict with an advertising agency that’s been contracted by both the Commonwealth and the ACTU, so to keep you amused until I can be arsed to actually post something, here’s a delightful picture of an adorable gopher, looking to put a panzerfaust round into the hull of a T34 full of dirty commies:-

Looks like Peter Rabbit- Tank Killer has started a whole new trend in rodent armoured vehicle ambush.

(Image swiped from Mister Bingley).