Daily Diatribe

Here’s an idea- seeing as you perambulating geezers have all fucking day, with fuck-all to do in same, how’s about you keep your life-extending exercise to outside fucking peak-hour, when poor slobs are trying to get to work in order to be fleeced by the fiscal fiend to pay your indulgent indexed incomes?

Or is that too much to ask, you ignorant, self-absorbed fucking coffin -dodgers?

Shit on a stick- what the fuck are you even doing out of bed at that ungodly hour? If I didn’t have to go to the office, I’d be happily tucked up in the fart-sack until a civilised hour, like when the pubs and betting emporiums open for business.

And what’s with going shopping or to the fucking bank during lunch-time? Christ on a pogo stick, you’ve got all day to haul in your bags of discontinued coinage and bulk buy catfood, why clog the queues when working slobs who fund your geriatric bingo binges and slap-up splurges at the bowls club are trying to buy a packet of gaspers and deposit what’s left of their pay once you grasping, wheedling old farts have finished with it?

As for the senile southerners who infest our motorways at this time of year with creaky caravans and weaving Winnebagos, there’s a Kenworth with your name on it up h’yar- stay in Melbourne and develop hypothermia for fuck’s sake.

UPDATE While we’re at it, Breeders- what say you drop little Taylah-Schapelle and Tarquin-Beauregard off a bit early so they can set to work destroying the expensive and useless OH&S approved play equipment and vandalising public property rather than wandering aimlessly through seething stopped traffic like BSE-infected livestock, and you can bugger off to your usual activities of gridlocking the CBD with behemoth assault vehicles which you can’t see over the dashboard of, and smashing into parked Porsches in underground carparks and shopping centre paddocks- then we can get to the office in time to file the insurance claim before the bloody under-writer goes tits up or on an extended morning tea.

Ta very much.

If I gave him the wool, would he make me one too?

Jenny Garrett, left-wing journalist Mungo MacCallum’s girlfriend, in Good Weekend on February 12:

HE (Mungo) distresses me when he can’t see beyond the depression of the immediate. After (John Howard beat Mark Latham in last October’s federal election), he was very depressed. We both literally cried. He’s a very passionate man. He yells at the situation, he yells at the stupidity of the Australian populace, he yells at his journalist colleagues, who he feels have let him down terribly. When he’s depressed, he drinks to the point where I think it’s endangering his health ? at least a bottle of wine a day. We blame John Howard for a lot of things, and yes, John Howard drove him to drink.

These pinkos have a strange idea of what health-endangering drinking is- I know of chaps who would regard a bottle of burgundy as an eye-opener, to settle the stomach and get one ready for the day’s rigours and a jolly good lunch.

What do you expect from dingbats who drink grass juice, regard carbon dioxide as the portent of doom and pretend to believe that the Tweed River Valley was formed by the contortions of some oversized possum-squeezer?

These people have about as much of an idea of a fun time as I have concern for the environment; squatting naked and sweaty in front of an open fire inside an evil-smelling tent, being flogged with tree branches by some hairy mutant and listening to the tuneless dirges of some mushroom-addled idiot with a nose flute is their idea of a bang-up high old time. It’s my idea of what should be done to detainees under the new anti-terror legislation to obtain information and/or confessions- I’m betting they’d drop their bundle before the second verse of an Andean ode to llama love.

It’s also a little telling that the vastly superior Mungo believes the Australian populace to be stupid- this coming from a direct descendant of one of Australia’s landed gentry, who despite the best connections in the country and sizable family wealth manages to eke out a bare alternative existence as a hack for the penny dreadful hippy Herald that has become the Northern Rivers Echo- among it’s other erstwhile scribes are Mad Margo and Bob “Lawsuits R Me” Ellis.

Just who’s stupid, Mungo?

Or is it really Mongo?

Don Adams, the actor who played Maxwell Smart in the endlessly repeated series Get Smart has carried out his last mission at 82.

Pity he didn’t make it to 86- maybe they’ll have to resort to the old embalming trick.

Arch-nemesis Ziegfried had this to say with the passing of his mortal enemy:-

“Zat Schmart- always with the narrow escapes und foiling my fiendish plans- well who’s the dumbkopf now, dead boy?”

Adams issued a statement before his demise, which read:-

I’m going to live until 120 - would you believe that? Alright, 100, and I’ll still have an active sex life. No? Would you believe I’m popping my shoe-phone tomorrow?”

I wonder if 99 is still kicking?

There’s now a category 5 storm heading for the Gulf Coast, and while it might be the most advanced nation on earth, at times everyone needs help.

All the hoo-haa about Hurricane Katrina achieved nothing for the victims, and Rita looks like it may be worse.

Humans can expect civil authorities to look after them- even corrupt and useless imbeciles like New Orleans mayor Ray Nagin and the equally culpable vascillating state governor Kathleen Blanco; Nagin apparently had to be under Federal control before he allowed residents to be evacuated a second time, and this time allowing them to take their animals.

There’s still a rescue effort going on, and if you’d like to kick in some of your ill-gotten gains as a heartless capitalist and salve your previously ignored sense of altruism, here’s your chance.

None of the recipients are likely to turn out commies, or fly commercial aircraft into substantial places of business.

For once, you can contribute aid to critters who won’t turn around and bite you, demand a place on the Security Council or use the dough to establish a nuclear capability. (I”m not so sure about cats though).

So what do you reckon- a donation to a worthwhile cause, to a crew who are wading through diseased and rank floodwater to rescue critters who’ve never voted Democrat, or another Friday night of futile fumbling and drunken attempts to form a human relationship, when you know full well that you are as attractive as an inversely charged magnetic mine; let’s face it, everyone hates you, and your money could do some good with stranded critters in Louisianna, rather than your futile attempts to play hide the sausage.

Give it up for someone’s snookums.

In case you were wondering how Webdiarrhea wonk and op/ed bag person Marilyn Shepherd has managed to avoid paid work and carry out her vital role as global village idiot whilst in receipt of public support, it appears she’s falling apart like a leper in a hurricane- no malingering going on here:-

…….. I have Crohn’s disease, inflammatory bowel disease, and was in agony for years before it was diagnosed.

I would be told I was attention seeking, putting it on, pretending. I was told I had Coeliac disease, wheat allergy, and I have had four bouts of pancreatitis. Crohn’s disease required knock out with 100mg of pure morphine in the muscle - it didn’t touch the pancreatitis for one second.

If any one told me I was depressed and erratic I utterly denied it - I don’t have to tell anyone familiar with such phenomena what happens to friendships. I maintained some who are also ill but very understanding but keeping the black dog* of depression at bay was hard.

I have been in remission since I got really angry about the TAMPA and decided I didn’t have time to die.

Mark would never admit to chronic depression. This young man has survived cancer in his testicles when he was in his 30’s and now life-threatening pancreatitis.

How many people treated him with true kindness when it hit.

Sweet bugger all, they all treated it as a nuisance they had foisted on them by a selfish bugger.

Besides, Beazley pretends he is decent but what sort of decent man agrees the TAMPA must be turned away, that the kids were thrown, that Sondos Ismail couldn’t come to Australia, that the Pacific Solution was rational?

Come on - he’s utterly indecent and a hypocrite to boot with only one ambition.

To be John Howard.

Posted by: Marilyn Shepherd| 21/09/2005 8:06:09 PM

Funnily enough, I have friends who have hereditary Crohns, and after surgery they’re fully recovered, and manage to hold down full-time jobs. Strange also that the appearance of a cause to be self-rightous and strident over has produced what can only be described as a miracle cure.

I also had no idea that Kim Beazley secretly harboured a desire to be John Howard- perhaps he just really wants to be thin? I can’t see the Beezer going the whole hog- after all, a lot of those early morning walks would have to pass by cake shops and pie stalls.

*Does this particular hound communicate with her in Dogalog?

Authorities are concerned that the brutal stabbing of a dolphin, known to be a member of the West Bight Bottlenoses will lead to a payback attack and an escalation in the violence endemic among these allegedly “peaceful” cetaceans.

Like their land-based gangbanging cousins, southern krill thill killers are known to flee to Queensland’s Gold Coast when things start to heat up, hanging around Surfer’s Paradise and menacing the locals.

Observers regard this move to be an indication that there will be more attacks, with the possibility that there may even be swim-by harpoonings; this fear is reinforced by this statement from a member of the King Island Crips, the gang believed responsible for the slaying near Geelong:-

“Squeek, squeal, squeak squeak, squeal, chitter chitter Squeeeek!”

(Translated, this reads “That ‘ho had it comin’, she dissed us an’ called us fish felchin’ fucktards; any of her posse’ come lookin’ for revenge, they gonna be blubber. Or maybe “ethical tuna”. That bitch done squealed more’n usual when we gave her a few extra blowholes”.)

Certainly not enviro-vandal wanna-be Tony the Teacher, with his rather lame purchase of a six cylinder Ford Territory; why not go the whole hog and toddle off to classes on a goddamn Segway?

Certainly the Territory provides a target for bogans from Ferntree Gully turned feral, and keen on establishing their enviro-warrior credentials with Shazza by torching said vehicle (after twocking it, ram-raiding a bottle-o and a chemist then dumping it in bushland, so it can gradually break down and be one with nature); but if you want to attract the top-notch SUV-hating bicycle-riding fresh-air fuckheads, you need a bugger like this:-

May I introduce the world’s fastest military vehicle; this has a re-tuned Corvette V8, and despite it’s bulk and obvious aerodynamic deficiencies knocks over 0-100kms in 6.8 seconds.

Not outrageous, according to assorted turbo habibs, but this fucker weighs over 5000 lbs in the old money, 2.25T in commie Euro weight.

A little like dragging three L34 Toranas, that have been welded together; this is a monster.

Currency Lad reports a disturbing trend from the nation that produced the Vincent Black Shadow, a motorcycle back in the early ’60s that had a speedo that read to 150mph, and often passed it.

Vehicles restricted to speed limits are the tools of fascism; what is next, throttle back aircraft to save kerosene?

Our species has been evolving quickly of late, what with fuel-powered means surpasing walking and generally getting quicker all the time- but we are set upon by atavist luddites, who would hurl us onto filthy, lurching buses or set us loose on rickety-framed objects of atavism which were put out of date when Gottlieb Daimler first ignited a fuel-air mixture?

I’ve got a couple of these critters on their way out; built by the Japanese, and the best boulevarde cruiser/drag bike ever built.

I can say that Harleys are only riden by inadequate losers, with a penchant for low-level criminality and violence, but where does that leave
Hells Accountants?

There’s been much weeping, wailing and gnashing of less than perfect teeth over the deportation of big ugly papier mache’ head magnate and activist Scott Parkin from the usual suspects, and wide indifference from the rest of the population.

The equally usual dismal turnout of protesters formed feeble, ineffective pickets, but this time came up with a new and laudable tactic:-

Can we keep those gags on for good?

Scott was here at the behest of peace-loving odure-pitchers and access blockers 30A, and conducting valuable workshops on disrupting people from their daily affairs and manufacture of aforementioned unidentifiable puppets, while on a visitor visa- not much sightseeing, fondling wildlife and buying of hideous Ken Done t-shirts but plenty of ruckus and expense for local authorities, and inconvenience for the CBD.

The op/ed has been a little active, with this couple of fine logical arguments presented:-

What are we trying to prove?

19 September 2005

HOW different the attitude of the US and Australia to critical commentators. Scott Parkin is booted out of Australia for “dissent” and George Galloway is allowed into the US on an “anti-war speaking tour”. Who are our powers-that-be trying to impress? Are they trying to show the US “anything you can do we can do tougher”?

David Gosnell

Paradise, SA

YET again I am embarrassed by the actions of the Australian Government in regards to human rights.

Scott Parkin, who according to the media has no history or philosophy of violence against any person, was deported on ASIO’s advice, for allegedly posing a risk to security.

Whatever the reason, Parkin did not deserve the indignity of being deported or the barrier he now faces if he wishes to return to our country.

It is also a disgrace that he was charged for his incarceration and deportation.

Parkin is an exemplorary global citizen. Like his compatriot, filmmaker Mike Moore, he is a voice of dissension against the policies of governments and corporations who cause harm to the people and environment.

It is hypocritical to honour the men and women who fought for our rights to free speech and association when we detain and deport a man such as Parkin.

I urge people to be outraged and vote not with bullets and bombs but at the ballot to prevent further duplicities.

Julie McNeill

Fernvale, Qld

So the militia on the Kokoda Track were battling the Japs so local layabouts and imported fruitcakes can fuck up traffic and annoy employed people? I thought they were protecting their home and way of life, which at the time was remarkably hippy-free.

It’s not just moon pies who’ve come to the rescue, he’s also attracted the support of this conservative think-tank:-

Expect Phillip Ruddock and his evil minions to be hauled before the High Court any old time.

Greens time-server and moustachio’d minx Kerry Nettles managed to surpass her usual idiocy with this question during a Senate debate:-

Senator NETTLE-Mr President, I ask a supplementary question. The Attorney-General has said that the security assessment has been made upon matters relating to protest activity. Given that I attended the protest held in Sydney at the Opera House on 30 August as did Mr Parkin, does this mean that ASIO considers me also to be a threat to national security? Can we take Mr Parkin’s detention and pending deportation as an indication that the government would detain Australian peace activists if they had the laws to do so?
And would the government deport me if they could?

When you wish upon a star…….I believe Chad is nice this time of year, and suffering a severe shortage of dingbats who’ve never had a real job, have no skills or talent and yearn for a society that lives a subsitence existence in mud huts- chadors for everyone!

We all know the smug sense of satisfaction and relief after budging your fudge, especially a really nasty, impacted, fetid and voluminous bugger- have a gander at the look on this pillock’s puss, and you’ll see what I mean:-

AAAAAHHH! Better out then in, especially when it’s all over my old mates.

I have been urged by reader Tripod to descend to the level of Nacker Lacker and poke fun at the Attack Squirrel’s mum and her untimely death, but I refuse to use such an event for cheap laughs; instead, I’ll post a photo of Kev and his extended family in happier times:-

Evil Pundit reports on a ruckus in the UK, with Burger King being accused of insensitivity and racism by a follower of the Religion of Peace (c), who has issued a fatwa on their range of soft-serve ice cream.

Seeing as most ice cream, and especially fast-food chain soft serve is haram because of several factors- it can contain vanilla essence (alcohol), gelatin (derived from non helal animals and sources), and often use animal fats as a base, especially porcine, why was this dishadasha-domed dingbat even looking at the product?

Zippy gives a fair indication from whence this fatwa was issued:-

Which is exactly what BK should have told the dickhead to do- instead, at great expense they caved immediately. They normally tell zealots and fruitcakes to fuck off- could it be concern over some explodey reaction to a refusal in this case?

Weasels.