Daily Diatribe

The intensive researchers from P&CDD have uncovered a vile and underhand attack on the re-election of George W. Bush that has surfaced from the vile and murderous Shining Path terrorist organisation in Peru, trying to subvert your vote with subliminal llama mesages- watch at your peril, you may have to crash your browser to stop the crazed commie messages being transmitted to your brain.

On no account, give a Llama a tongie- the bastards have seven-inch tongues, and they still think Che’ is going to lead them to a soviet/socialist republic that represents ruminant rights.

(Bloody hell- the first image I tried on Google Image for Che’ produced the bloody Goatse Man- could this be a comment by Google about commies?)

Al Jazeera has broadcast a message from Osama Bin Laden, threatening Americans with further attacks no matter who wins the presidential race; one would have thought that the beardy old belligerent boohoo would have come out for Kerry.

Must admit the footage is grainy- can anyone see if there’s strings coming of the Binster, and a hand up his arse working his jaw?

Funny he hasn’t been seen for nearly two years except in undated videos, then all of a sudden he pops up in a studio; could it be in fact a worrying new phenomena- the computer generated terrorist fruitbag?

Are we now to be faced with the prospect of Osama Bin Headroom?

(BTW, assorted fundie funsters, while their population may contain both ethnic identities, Americans aren’t Spaniards or Frenchmen. (Except for possibly Lurch, who seems to exhibit the regressive characteristics of both nationalities.)

I’m at a bit of a loss this weekend, what with there being no resource-wasting motorsport events, polluting, dangerous and militaristic airshows or torchlight political rallies where we sing marching songs and burn books by Pilger, Moore, Marr, Adams, Kingston, Chomsky and Sontag; what the hell, let’s see what’s on offer from the alternative/social activist set.

First up there’s the Art After Dark walk, and let’s face it, a low light level can only improve the appearance of both art and appreciator at an event like this; it promises:- …….begins at 6pm with an Art Walk starting at one of the participating galleries in Paddington or Woollahra, and continues from 9-11pm with a stylish soiree with food, drink and entertainment…….. sounds swish, and you can talk shit to a whole horde of beret-wearing nuance’ feeling seminal seeking dickheads with as much taste as I have French genes.

Having supped deeply from the cup of culture, you’d be looking to shake your organic waste disposal apature to some hip tunes, and what could be more fun and rewarding to your sense of self-worth than an Amnesty International Freedom Festival?
What’s more, the next one coming up will give you a true appreciation of the deprivation sufferered by the oppressed everywhere, with a live demonstration of cruel and unusual punishment- this time in the form of a performance by the tin-eared and tone-deaf Vanessa Amerosi.

You’ve now had your soul enriched musically and visually, time for some performance art- and what better than the uplifting and erudite Love Puke- apparently it follows the drunken meanderings of a down-and-out female journalist, known only as Margo, who despite seeking affection in bars throughout the North Coast of NSW at closing time is invariably dissapointed when the object of her amour awakens the next morning and projectile vomits all over her. She ultimately obtains feminist revenge when she wakes up next to a wealthy American film-maker called Michael, and vomits all over him.

After all the angst and schadenfreude, you’ll need a good laugh, and what could be better than the lighter side of ovarian cancer, hosted by a big ugly transvestite?

I can feel the care, concern and empathy welling in me just thinking about these issues- I’d better get bladdered and get into a punch-on immediately, lest I start listening to Billy Bragg records and building a big deformed head out of paper mache’ that looks nothing like George W. Bush or John Howard.

Florida is now to be beset by another horseman of the apocolypse in the form of famine.

While proprietors of hamburger and donut bars will be rubbing their greasy mitts with glee, the average Panhandle resident faces empty shelves in stores and a land stripped bare of anything consumable- yup, there are to be visited by the human locust plague, Michael Moore, allegedly to whine about missing postal ballots, but in reality to keep his ugly mug

in the media and keep those book and DVD sales ticking over, and possibly to punish Florida residents for electing George W. Bush four years ago, and remind them of the likely penalty for repeating this offence on Tuesday.

Vote For Bush, And I’ll Eat Your Pets!

Donnah, you have my sympathy; hasn’t Mr. Cracker got an elephant gun? After all, surely in Florida it’s legal to dispatch a recalcitrant reptile post haste.

UPDATE Look out, evil hegemonster Bush and your cabal of neo-con-men, the big heads have come out against you!

You are doomed in Florida now, despite having stolen the wop vote.

(Who’s Kerry Edwards? Doesn’t he host the 7.30 Report?)

I think all P&CDD readers will join me in expressing our concern about the reported health problems of Middle East Peace facilitator Yasser Arafat, and I believe our thoughts are best represented by Bushy’s heartfelt get-well card:-

Bushy is concerned that this is a stroke- something Yassar has survived in the past, but this time he may not be so fortunate- after all, it’s been a stroke of luck an Apache hasn’t lit up the misanthropic old gargoyle and popped a Hellfire or some 40mm up his flaccid, flatulent, flabby freckle.

Get well indeed- there’s one bastard who sure doesn’t deserve to die peacefully, of natural causes.

I know we conservatives are supposed to be well-mannered, genteel, magnaminous in victory and gracious in defeat, but bugger that- the Howard government has a clear majority in both houses of parliament, and will hopefully use same to crush unions, disenfranchise tree pixies, hurl layabouts into the army, the workhouse or prison and turn the Tarkine wilderness into a golf club and toothpick factory.

If you think I’m a bad winner, check out this for a bad loser:-

Election Reform

28 October 2004

THE right-wing loonies who have been running amok on your letters page these last couple of weeks should face the fact that Australians voted for the Coalition because of interest rates.

I can’t imagine too many people wandering into a polling booth and thinking, yes, I really like the way this Government puts children behind razor wire. You don’t have to be a doctor’s wife or drink chardonnay to feel revulsion at that sort of child abuse. It lends support to an argument for two federal governments: one for the economy, the other to look after people.

Steve Forsyth
Tumut, NSW

When you lose fair and square, set up your own competition. Here’s a word of advice, Steve, from the land of reality- set up your own caring and sharing government, and see how many voluntary punters line up to fund it. See you in court for the winding-up in a month’s time.

Elsewhere, the Walshevik puts in terms plain and simple enough that even the most troglydite ALP hack could understand what’s wrong with the ALP, and how their continued pandering to the long departed (and unlamented) left has and will continue to see them thrashing around in the wilderness, with only a demented, deformed and perverted* hippy for company.

Where they belong, really.

(*why else would have have what appears to be a brushtail possum wedged down the front of his trousers?)

The beast of course being out of control bureaucracy; the Citizens Against Government Waste have released their 2004 Prime Cuts review, which comes up with US$1.65 trillion in funding cuts that could be made without anyone noticing.

They also have their own blog, and an award for Porker of the Month, granted to the most venal, self-interested trough-snorker who feathers his own or his incumbencies nest, blatantly disregarding fiscal responsibility, public good and national interest.

All in all a damn fine idea, and something this country is crying out for; Australia is the most overgoverned, overtaxed, rule-happy and beset by parasites nation on the face of the planet on a per-capita basis; if people took an active interest in whatever toilet their hard-earned is being poured down, and government was subjected to scrutiny from people outside government employment the buggers might finally come to realise that the sods paying the bills are Not Happy John , but not in the way intended; most taxpayers don’t give a flying fuck about detention centres (except keeping them locked), the ABC, the Yartz, welfare spongers, old growth forests and all the other luvvie priorities that every level of administration has stuck its beak into.

Chances of it making any difference? I’ll let this visual set the odds:-

In critical research at Ohio University, researchers are measuring the effects of getting bees pissed.

Scientists at Ohio State University fed honey bees different amounts of alcohol and watched how long they spent walking, flying, grooming or just lying on their backs. They also measured the level of alcohol in the bees’ haemolyph - the equivalent of blood. Unsurprisingly, the more the bees drank, the less they moved around.

Except for the odd feeler fight, and crude remarks and whistles buzzed in the direction of the Queen, such as “show us yer thorax!”

The researchers gave bees ethanol solutions, with concentrations ranging from 10% to 100%. Those given the highest amounts of ethanol spent the most time lying on their backs. “These bees had lost postural control,” said Ms Mustard. “They couldn’t coordinate their legs well enough to flip themselves back over again.”

So feeding the otherwise busy little honey-producers with grain alcohol turns them into instant insect Boris Yeltsins.
They were expecting maybe a performance of Bizet?

“Many people get aggressive when they drink too much. We want to learn if ethanol makes the normally calm, friendly honey bee more aggressive. We may be able to examine how ethanol affects the neural basis of aggression in this insect and, in turn, learn how it affects humans.”

What the fuck are they on about? I’ll fight the lot of yer……..zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

It is not the first time that bees have been used in scientific research. Five years ago, they were used to help detect landmines. US government chemists trained bees to sniff out the tiny amounts of volatile chemicals emitted by mines.

How’d they determine when a mine had been detected? Perhaps they had trained observers looking for a telltale stream of shit out of the bee’s arse.

(From the always informative JF Beck, swiped from the Presidentocidal Guardian).

Not letting the grass grow under his feet, Democrat candidate John Kerry has followed former President Bill Clinton’s advice and loosened up his style, letting it all hang out to impress women voters.

Let’s face it- Bubba couldn’t keep his dick in his pants in the Oval Office for eight years (except perhaps when Hillary was around), and the only female he seemed to upset was Ann Coulter.

Lurch could have gotten more than he bargained for with Clinton lurking around the campaign, however; Bill’s not the brightest bulb, and may have misunderstood the meaning when he was told that the candidate was fluent in French.

(Porno image courtesy of Bushy).

BTW- ever wonder how the Hildebeest managed to pull all those votes in New York?

I had no idea she was such a sport.

UPDATE Bushy has uncovered the first item on the agenda in the event of a Kerry/Edwards victory on Tuesday.

In the case of these two, I’d be looking for a refund.