Daily Diatribe

Given the unquestioning support of the federal ALP caucus for the novel ideas on the causes of terrorism held by Queensland candidate Ivan Molloy, it can only be a matter of time before we see the nomination of ex-pat oracle John “Abdullah the Butcher” Pilger, especially on the strength of this spray.

Cut out the middle-man, and set up the video camera, pull on the orange overalls and saw your own head off, you infidel capitalist opressor of the dispossessed, you. (Here’s a hint- a power saw is the go, as if you try to do it manually you’ll pass out and not be able to hoist your depraved heathen noggin into the air in triumph- you’ll have to tape back the safety-shield, mind).

Unemployed environmental activist Angus Hastings has been convicted and fined $1500 for throwing chateau cardboard at PM John Howard’s vehicle, ripping off the flag from the vehicle, escaping from a divvy van and assorted other forms of peaceful protest.

Outside court, Hastings vowed to continue protesting against the Howard government’s policies, but would so in non violent ways.

“It was regrettable action. However, the atrocious policy-making of the Howard government unfortunately led to this sort of direct action behaviour. He is treating our environment disgracefully,” he said.

Yeah- that evil John Howard- sneaking out of Kirribilli House at night to strip-mine the Grampians, dump old sump oil along the entire length of the Great Barrier Reef, barbecue dugong steaks for his depraved big business budies, trying adorable little quokkas together by jamming their cute little heads through plastic beercan sixpack rings and snapping off a big poo in bird’s nests.

What’s the betting this matter was funded by legal aid:-

THE robbery convictions of two Sydney men were overturned today because a woman selected for their trial jury turned up for duty on the wrong day.
Christopher Brown and Nam Duog Tran had earlier been found guilty on charges of breaking, entering and stealing, robbery and malicious damage over a string of robberies in inner west Sydney in April 2001.
They were sentenced to six years’ jail with a non-parole period of four years.
They appealed their conviction and sentence in the NSW Court of Criminal Appeal on the grounds that a female juror had been mistakenly empanelled on the jury.
The woman had attended court for jury duty a month earlier than summoned, an oversight that went unnoticed in the first stage of jury selection when she presented her summons and identified herself on the day the trial began.
The mistake was later reported by a court officer to the trial judge, who said the juror had still been randomly selected, “even more randomly than usual because she came by mistake” and had undertaken an oath or affirmation to deliver her verdict according to evidence.

So these two toe-rags are back out on a specious decision, so they can pull a few more blags until the DPP can pull their fingers out and re-charge them for offences for which they’ve already been convicted.

Meanwhile, the lawyer who represents them gets another couple of weeks in court, generously funded by the Legal Aid commission, before the inevitable conviction and incarceration.

Maybe it’s about time to start putting out some 1080 around the Inns of Court.

The specially saucy Todd MacKenzie has supplied photographic evidence of why so many Americans are Phillip Adams look-alikes; this calorific creation (pictured) weighs in at 9 pounds in the old money, contains two whole tomatoes, two whole onions, a full half-head of lettuce and assorted condiments-

Imagine trying to get your laughing gear around this:-

The owners of the bar that produce this windpipe-blocker claim that no-one has ever finished one of the buggers; I’m betting they’ve never had the patronage of this particular human hoover.

Speaking of the Flabby Flint Flapdoodle, it looks like he’s in for some cinematic competition in the run-up to the Presidential poll- what’s the betting on either of these productions getting a run on CBS?

In another insanity/fast food related matter, JF Beck advises that Dominoes have gotten themselves on the shit-list of the PC Politburo with an advertising campaign for their range of maniac pizzas.

Apparently the humour-free set think that linking maniac with pizza will stigmatise fruitcakes, nutbars, loons, crazies and Greens supporters.

How’s this going to affect the launch of my line of Barking Mad Ivan’s Jihad Warrior Weapons?

An Algerian national whose asylum claim has been rejected has run amok on a commuter aircraft in Norway with an axe and two knives, injuring the crew and almost causing the aircraft to crash.

It is unlikely to be an organised terrorist act, but possibly more to do with a communication breakdown.

Advocates may have advised the axe-wielding asylum-seeker that his chances would be enhanced if he was more assimilated and accepting of Norwegian culture- the assailant may have based his new behaviour on a previous incarnation of Scandanavian lifestyles.

Security photos of him boarding the aircraft show no indication of his intent, especially with his obviously cheery disposition.

Early reports indicate that another communication problem may have brought on the incident; he mentioned his plan to a fellow detainee, who told him “Shit Abdul, if you do that you’ll wind up in an asylum”.

Discordant retrograde “punk” trio Green Day have proved that the market for anti-George Bush gibberish is far from finished, especially among the Euroweenies.

Biggest selling album in the world, all due to a single bagging the President- how fearless and alternative.

These gerbils and their ilk are about as alternative as the Partridge Family; the Flint Fatso has shown what a good little earner this bullshit is, and assorted drones are lining up to cash in.

What would be alternative would be to release a cover of the Ballad of the Green Berets by Barry Sadler, while dressed in a clean suit and with a decent crewcut.

Funny how the alternative is now as mainstream as all get out- Sony would give you the bum’s rush if you weren’t some hippy dip banging on about war, the environment and the evil of global capitalism; perhaps it’s the fact that most record companies are run by burned out acid-heads, all nostalgic for the sixties, man.

Speaking of self-important bigmouth bucketheads, the British Labour Party conference is to be adressed by oracle of truth and saviour of mankind Bono.

Sounds rivetting- I wonder if I can get a transcript, or even better buy it on DVD? swoon

If you want to get rid of what’s left in your wallet before the post election plunder begins and want to invest in something worthwhile, throw on your best thongs, trakkie daks and Acca Dacca t-shirt and get on the tram to the Melbourne Exhibition Centre.

Once there, some pillow-biter will relieve you of your hard-earned and hand over an incoherent scrawl daubed by an alcoholic unecumbered with the weight of talent.

Yes folks, it’s the bi-annual Melbourne Yartz Fair (featuring one of the crappiest web pages with the lamest pop-ups this side of a Federal government website)- hundreds of pieces of complete shit for your perusal, all on one level. Bring a ‘ute.

Truth be known, you could probably pick up some ugly wall clutter, hang on to it until the pisshead or junkie who produced it karks, then ask your own price- and tax free as well.

I must say that I’m pleased to see a return of realism.

UPDATE Just in case you southerners think you’ve got the whole bad art scene cornered, we yokels in the Deep North can match it with the best you can offer- can anyone think of anything more inane, boring and utterly pointless than a bloody mime musical?

What’s worse, not only are taxpayers and power consumers subsidising this dubious enterprise, but other cretins will part with their own money for tickets, and voluntarily wedge themselves in uncomfortable seats to view this abomination.

These people are allowed to vote and to control motor vehicles.

I’m scared- hold me……………………..

An Argentine youth has opened fire on classmates with a 9mm handgun, croaking four.

When can we see moribund monolith Michael Moore rationalising this event on film, blaming George W. Bush, the NRA and Lockheed Martin?

The school name is a bit of a give-away; Islas Malvinas public school- I reckon it was the shame over the loss of the Falkland Islands to the British that sent him over the edge, or rage caused by his nation’s failure at last year’s Rugby World Cup; certainly not because he was completely barking.

Islamic nations have adressed the United Nations, demanding that Islam no longer be identified with terrorism.

This mirrors a demand to the League of Nations by Germany in 1939, demanding that the invasion of Poland, Czechoslovakia and the Sudetenland not be identified with National Socialism.

Having secured the terrorist sympathiser vote, the ALP is now persuing the Phillip Adams look-alike vote. Speaking of which, it seems Fatty gone’s all Freidman on us, if you ignore the early Marxist waffle about the workers supporting the evil plutocrat- Phil’s new-found conversion to fiscal responsibility and economic rationalism doesn’t extend to ALP campaign promises, however. Fellow Gravatteer and former Liberal Party front-bencher Neil Brown seems to think John Howard making a paralytic popeye seem like a piker is good public policy; perhaps, if you’re one of the frost-topped fossils, welfare siphons or profligate breeders who it seems have been promised a plasma screen, a new BMW and a gold-plated blackhead remover if the coalition is re-elected; on the other hand, under Latham Labor they’ll have to make do with a rear projection, a Commodore and free Phisohex.

Unfortunately I get to pay for it either way; on doing some rough sums, I’d say the bottom marginal tax rate should start on about 135%, then go up from there. If you live in more southerley climes, you at least have the option to vote in the senate for people who aren’t committed to stealing the bread from your ricketts-riddled children’s mouths to give to the lazy, the feckless, the talentless and the work-shy; there are a number of Independent Libertarians running.

Give them a try- who knows? They might not turn into pampered, addled bolsheviks as soon as they enter the upper house.