Daily Diatribe

Good to see we’re not the only bastards stupid enough to not only pay people to sit on their arses and “care” for their hordes of larcenous offspring, but to also pay for child-care so they can piss off to the pub, bingo or burglary appointments; the good old US Senate just passed a bill to do likewise, despite protestations from the White House.

Following this sort of fuzzy logic, underprivileged pets of fat bastards who are too Phillip Adams-like to get off the couch and take them for a walk will be provided with Centrelink-supplied dog-walkers, so the morbidly obese are free to persue calories.

To prove those trans-Pacific legislators are rank amateurs when it comes to idiotic social policy, our very own loyal opposition has decided to throw A$5,000 of other people’s money (untaxed) at people who pop out a sprog, whether they can afford said rug-monkey, are capable of rearing anything beyond body lice or carry the correct number of chromosomes.

Just what we need- hordes more illegitimate half-wit unemployable welfare addicts; pretty smart thinking by the ALP though: if you can’t win votes, breed ‘em.

Hanna Barbera had Squiddly-Diddley, even the bloody Wiggles have got Henry the Octopus, so meet the new corporate image of the Gravett Empire:
Eric The World Domination Decapod!

(as usual, pinched from the artistic, or is it autistic Evil Pundit).

***UPDATE***We’d better make sure our cute lil’ molluscy mate doesn’t get left alone with Uncle Todd, or we might find we’ve wound up with a blue ring octopus.

Labor leader Mark Lackswun has received support for his plan to disband ATSIC from someone who has been dismantling the organisation and taking it home piece by piece in his ute- current ATSIC commissioner Ray Robinson, who is facing charges of forgery, uttering, malfeasance and imposition on the Commonwealth.

Ray is hoping that a going out of business sale will be held, as the proceeds may cover part of his legal expenses.

Other Coconuts are believed to be licking their greasy chops in anticipation of a Federal Labor win; the current deep trough will all of a sudden become bottomless.

In hot news from Tinseltown, Notorious D member and alleged thespian Jack Black has been cast in the re-make of King Kong.

Black has reportedly been selected for the prime role of one of the oversize simian’s mushy malodorous turds; Jack was picked because of his method acting in this field.

In other entertainment news, brother and sister weirdos Michael and Janet Jackson have been voted most foolish Americans, out of a massive field.

I can think of a few that make this pair look like poster kids for common sense.

According to the official Earth Day poster, the world is set to be invaded by illegal immigrants from the teeming masses of Antarctica, or the flat-earth theory is right- the whole world is nesting in the branches of a giant tree, growing out of a huge turtle’s back.

If that’s enough to convince you , you might want to join up some of the worthwhile activities planed for this year’s feral fest- how about car free day? I’m going to take part; if any of those bastards duck into a park or down a narrow lane, I can’t run them over in my car, but they won’t escape a motorbike; hold an earth day dialogue- tell dirty hippies to get a haircut, a bath and a job- they could improve the local environment immediately; measure your global footprint- you might want to move up a couple of shoe sizes, or maybe invest in snowshoes; plant a tree- my recomendation is the North Queensland stinging tree- it’ll keep those pesky fauna-fondlers off your property; or maybe sign the petition to have a World Summit- then when we’ve got all these dingbats in the one place, the bombing can commence.
Peace, Man!

Another drive-by shooting has occured in south-west Sydney, with more than a dozen rounds fired from an early model red Ford Laser (classy ride, Habibs!) at point-blank range, hitting absolutely nothing.

Witnesses at the scene reported a dreadful smell after the shooting, leading police to believe that the vehicle was being driven by Achmed the Incontinent.

A Bolivian miner protesting the loss of his pension blew himself up in the foyer of the national congress, removing the need to pay him a pension.

I think he learnt his tactics from the Judean People’s Front:-

Michelle over at A Small Victory is running a limerick contest over laughing boy in the wheelchair getting his come-uppance.

I’ve done my (drunken) best- see what you can do.

Those with-it hep cats of Australian public broadcasting, the ABC and SBS have decided to jump on the reality television bandwagon- just as it ran out of fuel and was stripped on the side of the road by vandals.

From the ABC we have the Outback House- sounds like a documentary about shithouses, and from SBS The Colony; remarkably different concepts. In both you get to live in a dump in the scrub, and enjoy the benefits of colonial life, such as recurring bouts of dysentry, surly indentured staff, hostile natives and wildlife and the modern phenomena of a non-existent viewing audience.

I know that both broadcasters are equal oportunity employers, but do they both have to hire all of their management from sheltered workshops and special schools?

How’s this for a classic example of the intellect of ABC audiences (and staffers):-

Dingbat in Melbourne (on phone):- I’m studying a latin phrasebook at the moment, because I’m going to Cuba in November; someone told me they don’t speak English in Latin America.

JJJ Talkback imbecele:- Cuba? great! That book will be handy; I don’t know any latin either.

Good old ABC- catering to our cultural elites like never before.

Here’s some latin for you two morons:- Res Ipsa Loquitor.

(I’d love to be there when he starts babbling in latin to the Spanish-speaking fascists of Cuban Customs; they will probably think he is some sort of Jesuit insurgent; hope he enjoys a full body-search followed by an anal probe, featuring illumination provided by road flares).